Eastern vs. Western Parenting
I’m a pretty laid back mom. I expect my kids to take responsibility for themselves in a lot of situations. I want them to do their homework without me standing over them. I want them to do their chores without me nagging them. I want them to find their passions and explore their own interests. I want them to make their own decisions and learn from their successes and failures.
I try to make my expectations clear and what the consequences are if those expectations aren’t met. And then I let my kids decide if they will do what’s expected or face one of those consequences. If they make the decision to not do their math homework then they face the consequence of no recess the next day at school. If somebody is getting a failing grade in one of his/her classes then he/she will lose their electronics privileges (video games, computer & TV). If one of them decides to smoke pot he/she will be grounded and subjected to random drug tests. My kids will tell you I often say, “It’s nobodies fault but your own that you are [insert punishment]. You knew this was the consequence for not doing [insert what he/she was supposed to do].” I’m far from a hoverer or an enforcer.
That’s not to say there aren’t arguments. Oh, there are there arguments. But I don’t spend my every waking moment making sure the kids do what they are supposed to do.
I guess that’s how I differ from a Chinese mother. And, yet, when I read that WSJ article I wasn’t outraged like many of the commenters were. Although I think some of her parenting “tricks” were a bit, um, extreme, both of her daughters seem to be happy and they are both on a successful path.
The author Amy Chua was on the national news earlier this evening and I thought she seemed very down-to-earth and even pleasant. She admitted she had loosened up a little with her youngest daughter Lulu for fear that she would lose her. Then Lulu spoke about how she thought her mother was a great mother and she [Lulu] wouldn’t be who she is today without her. So apparently it’s not all bad.
I remember watching a bio on Apolo Ohno during the last winter Olympics. In the piece Apolo talked about how hard his dad pushed him and how at times Apolo would rebel (or want to rebel) against that. But all that hard work paid off as he competed in the Olympics and stood on the podium to accept his medals.
As I watched the Ohno piece I wondered, “Am I not pushing my kids enough?” Would Keaton have been the next Thomas Muller if I had just forced him to practice his soccer drills every day and not let him quit club soccer just because he didn’t want to have soccer practice every day after school and several mornings before school during school soccer season? Could Skyler be a member of the American Ballet Theatre … if I hadn’t let her quit dance last year? Would they all be straight A students headed for ivy league schools if I cut down (or eliminated) their extracurricular activities?
Really? Who knows. We just do the best we can. We parent based on how we ourselves were raised and what works for us. And sometimes what works for one kid doesn’t work for another…even when those kids are in the same family. So if Amy Chua can raise two healthy, happy, successful girls with her Chinese method, then more power to her.
Post orginally posted by Christine at The Bean Blog.
The way I look at it, I don’t want to push Zach too hard to the point where he HATES something. Last year, he participated in wrestling…towards the end of the season, it was a continuous struggle to get him to go to practice in the eveni…ng, twice a week. There were tears, there were fits, and there were more tears. We thought to ourselves that we really didn’t want him quitting something that he started, but yet, he was to the point of degrading himself constantly, because he couldn’t do a move right-even though he was. But he wasn’t as good as everyone else. So, bad parents that we may be, we let him stop. I don’t want to FORCE my child to do something and ruin it for him later down the road. Who knows, when he hits junior high, he may decide that wrestling is for him, and could be awesome. But for now, we’ll just let him guide us, as we guide him. (cross post from Wendy’s Facebook status on this article)
I guess I could go either way. There is a little of both in me. I do “expect” good grades from my kids. Jake (7th grade) came home a few months ago with a B on a mid-term report and that was not okay with me. However, that was because I KNEW he SHOULD have an A. That he was capable of an A. If he were to study his butt off and just couldn’t grasp the subject and still come home with a B … I suppose that would be acceptable. Maybe. Ha Ha.
The part I don’t understand is the not being able to have sleep overs. Playing sports. Or participating in the school play. My head can’t wrap itself around why that is not okay. I believe that these things expand their social skills and strengthens their personalities.
I don’t know … there are times I feel I should be more strict. And then there are times I think I should loosen up a bit. I am all over the board … Lord only knows how my kids will turn out. I can only hope they’ll grow up to be constructive members of society. Fingers crossed.
All of the above that I said does not mention the academics. I do expect good grades from Zach because I know that he CAN do that. Thankfully, he is a smart little guy and the only class he had a “2″ in on the last report card was music class….he takes after his dad on that one, not me!! But if he came home with bad grades, but studied like crazy…there is only so much a parent can do. You can’t FORCE your child to get good grades, anymore than you can force yourself to get a raise. You could work your butt off, but in the end- it’s not you who has the choice over what the grade/raise is.
I do firmly believe in socializing- getting to play, have sleepovers, etc. I agree that it helps with their social skills and personalities. Plus? It helps prepare them for future experiences with coworkers, and other people out in the real world.
I am a strict parent.. but I don’t think I’m that crazy strict. Though it will be a LONG time till I feel my kids could (maybe?) have a sleep over. I’m gonna be one of those, ‘your friends need to come here’ kind of moms, unless I really know the parents REALLY well.. Academically, I think Americans have kind of slacked, I think our expectations are low, so I don’t see why they (kids) can’t do better than a B… but I don’t know yet, I’m not there with only a nearly 6 year old and a 4 year old. I do have to say that my 6 year old is one of the top students in her class, but she is stubborn!
What I do know is that I couldn’t be this over the top strict parent that insists my kids do everything MY way… I may know what’s better for them but I also believe that kids need to learn from their mistakes. Their happiness is important to me as well.. if I pushed my kids so hard to do something they simply can not handle we would both be disapointed and resentful towards each other….
all in all my opinion is that we can all learn from each other. Do I think we should as American mothers strive to be like the CHinese mothers, no, but I also don’t think that we should just let our kids dictate what they do/do not want to do all the time. We should set a standard and expect them to at least try their best to reach it… I don’t know..